“In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (CSB – Read the chapter)

Just a short reflection today, but one that comes with years’ worth of living and thinking. Let’s talk about why life is good.

In a couple of days, it will have been eighteen years since I stood at a little makeshift altar set up in front of a foundation in the middle of what used to be the Charleston Citadel, but which is not a hotel, and made a promise. It was actually a series of promises. In all the weddings I’ve officiated over the last nearly 15 years, I’ve never heard a set of vows as long or as complicated as ours were. But we made them.

And, over the course of 18 years, they’ve stuck.

Marriage is good. I really don’t need any caveats for that either. It is good. It is better than any of the pseudo-marriage alternatives that are increasingly common to pursue these days. It brings with it a kind of permanence and commitment that living together without being married simply doesn’t have. There is a confidence in knowing that this other person has pledged her whole life to you that makes a whole lot of other things easier to handle. There is an intimacy found here that cannot be achieved with another person by any other means. God, yes, and so it is not something totally unreachable for people who have been called to singleness, but with another person, it’s simply not a possibility.

After 18 years, I’m more glad that I said, “I do,” than I was at the time…which is saying something, but I was really glad to be saying it in the moment.

Now, it’s not always easy. Sometimes our culture and our love stories make it sound like it is. That’s a lie. There are days when it’s hard. There are even occasionally seasons when it is hard. A bit of understanding of the nature of the relationship that is marriage, though, should render this fact entirely unsurprising. Not only does the relationship put you in incredibly close quarters with someone else, meaning they see – and experience – all of your junk, but if Paul was right in his understanding of marriage (and given that his was inspired by the Holy Spirit, I tend to think his understanding of it was pretty much right on the money), there’s even more to it than that.

In marriage, two people become one flesh. This is not a physical truth, of course, as that’s not possible. The act of marital consummation is as close as we come to its being physically true, and that’s a really, really good thing, but that’s still not what Paul meant. In marriage, this other person becomes an extension of your own self. Well, there are days when you aren’t particularly enamored with yourself. So, there are days when you aren’t going to be particularly enamored with your spouse. But on most days that isn’t even remotely the case, and neither are the hard days something that come and remain forever.

Well, they don’t come and remain forever if we are willing to do the work it takes to make it work. And it takes work. We have to make ourselves better. Just like you take care of your own physical body, you take care of your marriage. You grow in humility and a willingness to deny yourself in favor of her. You learn the ins and outs of how he thinks. You gradually come to understand not only how she is going to respond to certain things, but why she is going to respond that way. You learn to love.

But don’t buy into that silly notion that love is all you need to make it work. The Beatles were tremendous musicians, but terrible theologians. Love is key, of course, and specifically the love of Christ. Without that it won’t work at all. But love by itself in world terms will fail you. You need commitment. You need passion. You need truth. You need a willingness to stand by the covenant you’ve made even when the other person has failed at one point or another – even when you have failed in the past at one point or another. Because you are going to fail. That’s part of the challenge.

But God’s grace is bigger. His love can sustain us and fill in the gaps where our love fails. His mercy can pick up the slack where we want only vengeance to right a wrong. His patience can give a foundation where we are tired of waiting for growth to happen. His justice can help us see what’s right when we are drawn to what is not. When He is at the center, the whole thing can work.

I love my bride. I haven’t always done that perfectly. In fact, I’ve often done it very imperfectly. But I love her. I love her for loving me, for bearing with me, for helping me grow, for being the incredible wife and mother she is. I’m glad every single day for these 18 years. I can’t wait for what comes next.