“This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.” (CSB – Read the chapter)

Well, here we are at another Friday when I didn’t have any idea what I was going to write about as I finished the day and got into bed, but then just before going to sleep something dropped straight into my metaphorical lap that I just couldn’t avoid. One of the things that I tell my church as often as I can make it come up naturally is that being a follower of Jesus doesn’t mean completely disengaging from any media sources that are not fully supportive of the Christian worldview. Rather, it means engaging wisely and with their worldview radar on high alert so they can identify ideas that are contrary to the truth and consciously reject them. They should do this they are engaging with various media by themselves, of course, but they should be especially vigilant about doing it when engaging with their kids both so that they are teaching them what is correct, but also so they are teaching them how to engage critically and through the lens of the Christian worldview. Well, the most recent episode of Abbott Elementary that we watched last night gave me the opportunity to do just that. Let’s talk about it.

Abbott Elementary, in its fifth season, is about a group of teachers at the titular school in the Philadelphia School District. I’ve written about it before, so I’ll let you check that post out here if you want a deeper dive into the plot. The short version is that it is a mockumentary-style sitcom about a group of quirky teachers working to thrive for their own sake and for the sake of their students in a system that is designed from the ground up to result in their failing to do just that. They keep succeeding in spite of the environment they are in. I think what makes the show so very enjoyable for us is that there are so many parallels between their situation and the educational situation we have been in for many years. Needless to say, it makes the students and staff in the local school look pretty good, and it makes the school district leadership (and especially the Philadelphia School District) look really, really bad.

In any event, the main characters throughout the series have been Janine and Gregory. They both started together as new teachers in the first season and have gradually entered into a relationship with each other. I think it was at the end of last season that they finally and officially got together. Essentially, the show is following the style and the model of Superstore (which I have written about here and here).

Well, the main plot element of last night’s episode was that the two are “finally” going to move in together. As soon as it became clear things were going that way, I immediately started rolling my eyes. Of course the story would drift in that direction. That’s just what people do these days. That’s normal. After all, they really love each other. Barf! Living together is treated like a totally normal thing for couples to do these days. It’s really just assumed. One of the other characters who I will come back to in a second even declared that she had been wondering at what point they were finally going to move in together. And if the couple is already having sex with one another (they are) and occasionally spending the night at one another’s place because of that (they are), then it only makes sense that they should be living together.

If that was where they stopped, I would have still been left rolling my eyes as far as I could make them go. Fear you not, though, things kept sailing forward into ever more cringe worthy territory. Their decision to move in together was not made primarily out of a long-discussed, well thought-out plan to consciously and intentionally move their mutual commitment to one another forward toward eventually being married. They made the decision at the spur of the moment because Gregory walked into the teacher’s lounge complaining about his rent being raised to a point he couldn’t afford it any longer and that he was going to have to look for a new place to make ends meet. Janine immediately brightened and announced to the entire lounge that he could move in with her. In other words, finances were the primary reason for their decision, not the commitment they were making to each other (let alone the covenant!).

Later in the episode as they began to work through the realities of actually making the move happen, Gregory kept finding little reminders that Janine had previously lived with another guy in that same apartment. He was clearly and understandably unhappy with the discovery that in moving into her place he was going to be constantly surrounded by reminders of this previous relationship. This was resolved when they decided to find a new place together rather than trying to force his life into her place. But even their process of going about making this decision wasn’t something mutual. Rather than sitting down and explaining his feelings and working out a solution together, he essentially deceived her into a situation where she came to realize that’s what he wanted on her own. It was supposed to feel like a warm and fuzzy moment, but it felt pretty manipulative to me.

Here’s why those two points so caught my attention. I already knew well that cohabitating is a bad idea for unmarried couples to do. It’s bad for a whole variety of reasons that are rooted in the clear teachings of the Scriptures. It’s bad for a whole variety of reasons that are rooted in the clear findings of modern sociological research. Cohabitating does not lead to stronger, healthier relationships in the short term or the long term. Having sex when you are not married is always a bad idea. It’s bad for the guy. It’s bad for the girl. It’s really bad for the kids who are brought into the world because of it. Research consistently finds that the happiest couples didn’t live together (or with anyone else) or even have sex with one another before they got married, had kids after they got married, and are involved together in a religious body of some kind. When Scripture and modern research agree on something, we should probably take the point to heart.

Now, that same body of research has found that the picture for couples who live together and then do actually get married (which is hardly a sure thing) is a bit more nuanced than just being bad in all respects. Many of the problems with cohabitating couples who subsequently get married can be mitigated somewhat when the couple is engaged first and is consciously and actively doing things to prepare themselves for a marriage that already had a firm date set on its happening. The biggest danger zone factors that serve as signposts pointing toward impending disaster for the couple are when they move in together for financial reasons (check), when they are testing the waters of marriage before actually making that covenant with each other (check), when they have lived together with other people in the past (check), and when they don’t have a formal discussion about it but are just kind of sliding into it (check).

In other words, this moment Abbott’s writers (and the actress playing Janine is the show’s creator so a whole lot of this sits on her shoulders) were setting up to be this sweet, plot-advancing situation is failing at literally every test on whether their decision will work out well for them or not. This was the absolute worst way and reason to make this decision. And again, that judgment comes down not just from me as a pastor looking at the situation, but as the clear pronouncement from the world of sociological research. Any relationship guide worth listening to would have shouted from the rooftops to Gregory and Janine to stop because they are making a terrible decision for all the wrong reasons.

What really pushed things over the edge for me, though, was when Barbara spoke up in support of their decision after hearing it announced. Barbara is a seasoned kindergarten teacher whose biggest quirk throughout the series is her fierce commitment to her conservative Christian faith. Now, she doesn’t much seem to mind lying or getting drunk or talking bad about people she doesn’t like or cheating the system to her own benefit when any of those things suits her purpose, but she talks a mean game of (self-) righteousness. Except for this episode. After she announced her support of their moving in together, she followed it up by announcing that the whole “living in sin” thing is the only part of the Bible she doesn’t agree with.

I’ll save a whole rant that immediately came to mind when I heard that and just note that it was awfully convenient. It was also lazy and cowardly on the part of the writers. This was the moment that the main characters’ relationship was taking a big step forward, and Barbara is a fan favorite character (not to mention Janine’s beloved mentor). There was no way they could have her stake out a position in opposition to this key moment. So, having sex before marriage just happened to be the “one” part of the Bible she doesn’t agree with.

Because, of course, that’s how following Jesus works. If you don’t like a particular command, you can just ignore that one and keep following Him without issue. The writers obviously either know next to nothing about genuine Christian commitment or else they are so contemptuous of it that they wouldn’t dare present it as it actually is, showing the places where it deviates from the cultural narrative (not to mention showing those presented and defended in a way that is consistent with the character of Christ). Christianity is a convenient personal belief, but the modern world comes first. Meanwhile, our culture continues to crumble because the thing that should be our primary building block (strong marriages and families) is being attacked and sidelined as something archaic and unnecessary.

It takes real courage to stand against this cultural tide. I don’t say that to pat myself on the back. Writing a blog that is mostly going to be read by people who already agree with me doesn’t take much courage at all. Making the conscious choice as an unmarried couple today to not have sex and to not live together is what takes courage. The world won’t understand that decision. It won’t support that decision. It will push you to fall in line in every way it can. That kind of standing out is perceived as an act of judgment against those who do just go along with the current like Gregory and Janine are doing. But if you will take the courage to persist in it, it will lead to life and flourishing in a way your peers who don’t take that path with you simply won’t be able to experience. It will be hard at times, but it will be good. And the payoff down the road will be sweet indeed.

If you enjoy Abbott Elementary like I do, keep enjoying it. It’s a fun show that really does have some redeeming qualities. Also, it’s really funny. But don’t listen to it for advice on how to do much of anything. It merely echoes culture rather than trying to shape it in meaningful ways. Stick with the path the Scriptures lay out if you want to do that. You’ll be glad you did.