“Whoever shows contempt for his neighbor lacks sense, but a person with understanding keeps silent. A gossip goes around revealing a secret, but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence. Without guidance, a people will fall, but with many counselors there is deliverance. If someone puts up security for a stranger, he will suffer for it, but the one who hates such agreements is protected. A gracious woman gains honor, but violent people gain only riches. A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel person brings ruin on himself.” (Proverbs‬ ‭11‬:‭12‬-‭17‬ ‭CSB‬‬ – Read the chapter)

In middle school I was getting picked on by a bully. On day I told my table partner in drafting class that I thought I could probably take him if his ever-present goon didn’t jump in. I was not looking for a fight by any stretch. I was simply expressing frustration with who I thought was a friend. He was not a friend. He wanted to see a fight. So, he promptly went and related to the bully my expressed confidence. My bully soon thereafter gave me the opportunity to test my claims (in the locker room after gym class just to keep things as cliched as they could possibly be). I talked my way out of getting my face pounded in…and I never shared anything with my table partner again. Solomon’s proverb in this next batch proved true. Let’s take a look at the rest.

We had bad neighbors when we lived in Virginia. Not at first. Our first neighbors were wonderful beyond word. We loved them like our own grandparents. But then they moved to an assisted living place and their kids started renting the house. A family moved in who was not like them. All of a sudden the yard that was meticulously maintained was a mess with at least three junk cars they moved in with all the rest of their stuff. The kids were sweet, but basically feral with no rules or oversight. We did more parenting of those kids than they got at home. And the animals. They had a bunch of little dogs that absolutely terrorized our kids and they refused to do anything about it. The final straw was when I was shooing one back across the yard to where it belonged and it bit me on the leg.

I’ll be honest: I had a lot of contempt for those neighbors. With all of that contempt, I had a choice. I could have shown it to them in force. Rest assured there were days I wanted to. The umpteenth time one of their dogs chased one of my kids around the yard, I about buried the dog. The umpteenth time I had to clean up their kids dishes from under our carport where they had taken their dinner, eaten it, and then left the dishes – real dishes, no less – I about smashed the dishes and took back the pieces to them. But starting a war with our neighbors by displaying all my contempt would have lacked sense. I couldn’t make them move. Confirming their suspicions of the church by being ugly to them would have thwarted any potential Gospel work God was trying to do by putting them there in the first place, especially with the kids who were the victims of their parents’ issues. So, we kept silent about it and did our best to love them. We understood that this was bigger than us, and we needed to protect our kids, but otherwise swallow our frustrations and err in the direction of kindness.

“A gossip goes around revealing a secret, but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence.” This one is pretty self-explanatory. If you know someone who is a gossip, don’t trust them with anything sensitive. I made that mistake with my tablemate in middle school. I didn’t make it a second time. At the same time, don’t be a gossip. If someone shares something with you in confidence, don’t go telling someone else about it. If you don’t trust yourself not to share a particularly juicy bit of news you have learned, then tell people that and don’t learn the news in the first place. And here’s how you know that you are gossiping: If you are sharing something someone told you, but the one who told you isn’t the one who is involved in the situation, you are gossiping. You have received gossip, and now you are spreading gossip. Unless you learned about it from the source, and unless the source has given you permission to talk about whatever it is, don’t talk about whatever it is. Be a trustworthy person.

“Without guidance, a people will fall, but with many counselors there is deliverance.” My church will prayerfully break ground on our new sanctuary building this coming Sunday. This day has been a long time coming. What’s more, it is not a time we are coming come to fruition all by ourselves. There is a lot involved in this kind of a process. A lot. Thankfully, we have had a ton of guidance along the way. I have been intentional about seeking guidance internally and externally because I don’t have any idea what I’m doing. I’ve never built a house. I’ve certainly never built a church. I’ve never led a church through this kind of a thing. And by God’s grace, which has often been shown to us through the wise counsel He has provided for us, we are standing strong as we continue moving forward in this season. Trying to build a building is something that often splits churches. I’ve witnessed firsthand it bring a pastoral tenure to an end. It can make a people fall. God’s provision of an abundance of counsel from many wise counselors combined with this people’s willingness to receive wise counsel has delivered us from that.

“If someone puts up security for a stranger, he will suffer for it, but the one who hates such agreements is protected.” We could perhaps shorten this proverb to this: Don’t get into bad business deals. If you don’t know someone really well, don’t get into a financial bed with them. This wisdom will help keep you out of scams and schemes of all shapes and sizes. If someone comes to you and says, “I’ve got a great deal for you, but I need you to give me so much money first,” the answer is no. Take a hard pass on that one. Hang up the phone. Don’t even entertain the conversation. Unless and until you know someone exceedingly well, don’t get into any kind of intimate relationship with them. Business deals are a little like tiny marriages. Just like it’s wrong to get into an actual bed with a person to whom you’re not married, don’t get into business deals until you’ve established a strong, firm, clear relationship.

“A gracious woman gains honor, but violent people gain only riches.” Now this one is interesting. For starters, this is maybe the first time we’ve seen a woman used as the character in a proverb instead of a man. The illustration would have worked out the same if a man was in the scene instead, but it’s a notable shift all the same. Either way, a gracious person gains honor for themselves. My wife is one of the most gracious women I know. She is patient and generous and kind with others almost to a fault. This is especially true at work (she is everywhere else too, but she interacts with so many people at work that it really shines there). As a result, she has gained incredible and much deserved honor for herself. She is beloved there in a way I’m not always sure she fully realizes. As she prepares to transition away to a new opportunity, the honor she has accrued is really showing.

The other part of this proverb is even more interesting. “Violent people gain only riches.” The point of the proverb is that honor is better than mere riches. A good reputation is better than great wealth. If you have a lot of stuff and nobody likes you, then all you have is a lot of stuff. Even if you are poor, if you have the admiration and respect of everyone who knows you, you will be able to do and accomplish a great deal even with the limited resources you have within your control. A person who uses violence or wickedness to get what he wants can gain great wealth that way. Think about a mob boss or a drug kingpin. But that wealth is all he will gain. He may be able to do a lot with his riches, but every step will be a battle, and will cost him more than it should because of all the obstacles lying in his path; obstacles he has put there by his violent approach. A life of great honor is better.

“A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel person brings ruin on himself.” The trick here is that we often think about kindness as something done for other people. A kind person is constantly focused on doing good and bringing honor to the people around him. He is a benefit to them in every way. In the same way, but on the opposite side of the coin, a cruel person does harm to his neighbors. No one wants him around because he is always dragging them down. These are others-focused traits. But what Solomon wants us to understand is that as much as they may be focused on others, their impact redounds on the one who practices them. When you are kind to others, they are more likely to be kind to you. The same thing is true with cruelty. If you want to make your own life easier, work to make life easier for the people around you. They will be far more willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and to help you when you need it if you are constantly kind to them than they will be otherwise. If you want a life of blessing, then be a blessing to those around you.