Every marriage story our culture tells is always in pursuit of living happily ever after. The trouble is that when you actually get into a marriage, there are seasons when happiness seems pretty fleeting. Complicating this is that we live in a culture that prizes personal happiness above just about everything else. You can perhaps see how this might create some unique challenges for the development of a strong and healthy marriage culture in our nation. The apostle Paul spoke into this challenge almost 2,000 years ago with some counsel that is hard to receive, but if we will receive it with open hands, it has some truly transformational power. As we continue our series, The Journey of a Lifetime, let’s talk about what the real goal of marriage is and why understanding that matters so much.

Happiness Isn’t the Goal

Before 1969 divorce in the United States was hard to come by. That year, the Republican governor of California, Ronald Reagan, signed into a law a bill that allowed for the first time in the nation something called no-fault divorce. Prior to that, if a husband and wife wanted to get out of their marriage, they had to be able to demonstrate enough of some kind of justifiable harm such as abuse, infidelity, abandonment, or something else sufficiently severe along those lines to convince a judge to grant their request. No-fault divorce laws, on the other hand, allowed for couples to simply cite “irreconcilable differences” without having to furnish any kind of proof to back up their claims. In what ought to go down as the least surprising outcome of a public policy ever, within about ten years, the divorce rate in the country more than doubled, bringing with it all of the various social problems associated with divorce. 

Now, I don’t bring this up to argue that prior to then, when divorce was legally difficult to obtain, everything was better in our country. It was not. We had a host of social issues then, including in our marriages, that we would not want to go back to. Women and children in vulnerable situations often found themselves stuck with no recourse if they couldn’t offer up enough proof to convince a judge to grant a necessary separation. But, there was a general belief across our culture that marriage was a serious commitment—a covenant—that should be honored even when it is hard in all but the most extreme situations. This was a very biblically rooted understanding of marriage, and in many ways, our culture was stronger for it. 

But by the late 1960s, our culture was undergoing rapid changes in values and priorities. As individualistic as we were before then, there was still a basic understanding that a person needed a community to make it. Not so in this new world. Personal autonomy became one of our chief cultural values (it still is), and with it came a slavish devotion to personal happiness. If something wasn’t making you happy, then you shouldn’t have to do it. This included marriage. Instead of seeing marriage as a covenant requiring the burden of faithfulness over time, it became little more than a means of advancing personal happiness. We got married because it made us feel good, and if it stopped making us feel good, we didn’t see any reason to endure it any longer. 

Practically overnight family breakdown became a cultural epidemic, unleashing a storm of chaos on our culture that we have not even begun to recover from. But at least we got all the happiness we were seeking, right? Well…maybe not all of the happiness we sought. Okay, let’s just be honest: We’re miserable, and things aren’t really getting any better the more we commit ourselves to this particular path. This again doesn’t mean the path we were on before was all sunshine and rainbows. It wasn’t. But as long as we remain convinced that the goal of marriage is primarily personal happiness, things aren’t going to get any better. Fortunately, as followers of Jesus, we have access to some pretty clear teachings about the real goal of marriage right here in the Scriptures. And as we continue our deep dive into marriage this morning, we are going to take a look at some of these teachings together. 

This morning we are in the fourth part of our teaching series, The Journey of a Lifetime. For the last month with one more week to go we have been talking about marriage from the standpoint of the Scriptures. The guys who contributed to the Scriptures were led by the Spirit to impart all sorts of important information about marriage—what it is, how it should work, how to get it right, and so on and so forth. In this series we have been taking in several of these teachings to both be encouraged where we are on the right track, but also to consider together whether and how we need to make some adjustments in light of them. 

We started things off four weeks ago by defining the primary problem in marriage. People deal with all manner of marriage problems, but they all flow from a single source: sin. This becomes clear very early on in the Scriptures in Genesis 3 when God reveals the brokenness that sin will introduce into the marriage relationship. Because simply understanding what’s broken with something does not tell us anything about how to use it properly, though, in the second part, we went back a bit into Genesis 2 to get our minds and hearts wrapped around what God’s intentions for marriage were in the beginning. The short version is that His goal was always to make us more like Him. 

Having established those two foundation points, last week we jumped way forward in the Scriptures to Paul’s letter to the Ephesian church where he writes some of the most important teachings about marriage in the entire New Testament. He has counsel both for wives and husbands. For the wives in particular, his counsel has long been pretty controversial. He told wives to submit to their husbands as they would to the Lord. Refusing to be taken in by cultural handwriting over this saying that doesn’t even bother to meaningfully understand what Paul meant, we did a deep dive into the context of what Paul was actually saying and came away with a much clearer grasp of just how important a command this really was. When we get this right—both as wives and as husbands—it makes our marriages better and it brings glory to God. Submission in marriage brings glory to God. 

Well, if that was the thrust of what Paul had to say to Christian wives, today we are going to flip to the other side of the coin here and see what he has to say to Christian husbands. And my language there is intentional. Paul is talking to wives and husbands who are followers of Jesus and who are living toward each other from out of that commitment. If you are not following Jesus, this doesn’t apply to you, and you really don’t have to worry much about it. Of course, if you try to put it into practice anyway, you are pretty likely to come out with a better and stronger marriage for your effort, but there are no demands on you here. For Christian wives and husbands, though, this stuff is non-negotiable. 

Paul’s counsel for husbands starts, as we saw last time, with the command that they should “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.” If you have your copy of the Scriptures handy this morning, join me in Ephesians 5 once again, and let’s take a look at the rest of what he’s got to say here. 

After calling wives who follow Jesus to commit themselves to intentionally lifting their husbands toward becoming more fully who God made them to be even at the expense of their own needs and desires—that is, to submit to their husbands (but doesn’t it sound better when I put it the other way?)—Paul turns around and calls husbands who follow Jesus to be the kind of men who are worthy of such a gift from their wives. As always, though, the how here matters at least as much as the what. 

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her, to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless.” Let’s pause right there for a second and take this in together. It’s not simply that husbands are called to love their wives just as it wasn’t simply that wives were called to submit to their husbands. Husbands are called to love their wives after the pattern of Christ’s love for the church. 

This means a whole variety of important things, but one worth pointing out right now is that loving after the pattern of Christ’s love means that feelings really don’t factor very much at all into the equation. That is, husbands are not called to feel a certain way about their wives. Now, it is obviously and unavoidably true that husbands are going to have feelings about their wives, and that many things will be easier for them both if those feelings are mostly (not to mention strongly) positive. But those feelings are secondary to the more important aspect of love as an intentional commitment to see our wives become more fully who God made them to be. 

When you are truly committed to the good of another person, there are likely going to be some circumstances in your relationship in which you are going to do things to advance that good that don’t feel particularly good to the other person and that result in their feeling in ways in the moment that aren’t so positive. At the same time, when you have made such a commitment, you are going to do things for them that are good even when you aren’t feeling particularly good about them because their good and not either of your feelings is your highest priority. To put that another way that may resonate a bit more with where we started, when you are truly committed to the good of another person, you are going to be committed to seeing their good advanced even at the expense of yours or their situational happiness. 

That’s all simply true, but look at how Paul specifically applies this to us as husbands. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church,” yes, but how did Christ love the church? He “gave himself for her.” What’s Paul talking about there? Christ died for the church, right? Christ was so committed to our good that He was willing to lay down His life for us. Husbands, there’s your model. There’s your pattern. You need to be so committed to seeing your wife become more fully who God made her to be that you would lay your very life down in pursuit of that end. This is not just, “I’m going to take a bullet for my wife.” This is, “There is literally nothing of mine that I wouldn’t give up if it would allow her to become more like Jesus in order to experience more of the wonder of His love for her through me.” In fact, if you limit yourself to just that “take a bullet” mentality, there’s a whole lot you can get away with not doing for her that would move her in the direction of Jesus a whole lot better and faster than your dying for her would accomplish. 

Look again at where Paul goes next with this, though. Why did Christ give Himself for the church? To give her a bath! Well…sort of. He gave Himself for her “to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word.” This cleansing isn’t one that happens by real water even if we do symbolize it with baptism. This cleansing is all about letting the word of God accomplish its transformative work in us through the power of His Spirit who lives and moves through His word. And the goal of all of this is nothing short of holiness—making us completely over in the image and likeness of God, a fitting and proper reflection of His image. 

Have you ever taken a really good shower after being absolutely filthy? When you finished, you might have declared something like, “I feel like an entirely new person!” This is that kind of a cleansing, but for the soul. We were filthy in sin on our own, and then Jesus came, laid down His life, and paved the way for us to be made entirely new before God in Him. In Christ we can stand before God with humble confidence, entirely freed from the sin that once separated us. That’s Jesus’ goal and nothing short of it. “He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless.” 

If you are a husband who follows Jesus, this is your call. Now, no, you aren’t going to save your wife. Only Jesus can do that. But you can by your love for her commit yourself to the long and hard work of growing her in the image of Christ. You can, in other words, disciple your wife. Of course, she’s discipling you as well, so it’s not like the whole weight of this is sitting on your shoulders alone, but this is what you are aiming to do. You are aiming to see her become more like Jesus by the application of His love through your intentional and sacrificial commitment to her good. Your goal is to see her become holy like He is and nothing short of that. 

But let’s be clear: Because of the nature of marriage as God designed it, you aren’t doing any of this purely for her benefit. For that matter, she isn’t to be doing what God has called her to do for you solely for your benefit. Being committed to her good is the same thing as being committed to your good. There’s really no separation here. If it is good for her, it is going to be good for you in the end. Look at how Paul puts this: “In the same way…” Paul is referring here to the pattern of Christ’s love for us and the actions that love motivated Him to take for us. “In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” If you are loving her, you are loving you. Period.

And this, again, is just like how Jesus operates toward us. “For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church.” Indeed, the church is the body of Christ. We are the physical manifestation of the power and presence of Christ on earth. We are an extension of His physical self. If He were to turn on the church for some reason He would be turning on Himself. He’s not going to do that any more than you are going to turn on yourself. “For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of his body.” Just as Jesus cares for His body, the church, you, husbands, are to care for your wives because they are part of who you are at the most fundamental of levels. 

In order to make this point, Paul takes us back to where we were together in here a couple of weeks ago. “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’” There it is: Genesis 2:25. I told you that passage was foundational for marriage. But look at the next part. This is hilarious. Paul cites Genesis 2:25 as foundational for what he’s talking about, but he doesn’t begin to understand how exactly it is that two can become one flesh as God declared there through Moses. He has no idea at all. He only knows that it is, not how it is. Fortunately, he doesn’t need to know the hows of the matter because his real point is to connect marriage to the relationship between Christ and the church. We can to a certain extent understand what we have in Christ. As long as we understand that what we have in Christ is to be reflected in what we have with our spouse, we’ll be good. “This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church.” 

In the end, Paul just sums things up for us one last time. “To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.” Now, this doesn’t mean that husbands don’t need love and wives don’t need respect. But, ladies, your husband needs to know in the very depths of his soul that you believe in him; that you think he is able to be the man you once believed him to be. He does not need you tearing him down or belittling him or trying to nag him into submission like God said sin would make you do way back in Genesis 3. You should still have high expectations for him, but you need to call him to those positively. If you will lovingly call him to the high expectations God has for him, he will gradually start to live up to those. More than that, if and as you take a sacrificial attitude toward him that lifts him up in the direction of Jesus, the more he is going to give you the respect and the cherishing that you so desire from him. 

Guys, you need to cherish your wives. You need to do things that are going to make her feel special, feel loved, feel desired. But more than that, you need to be totally committed to her becoming more like Jesus. That doesn’t mean she needs you to preach at her. In fact let me just go ahead and counsel you against that. But you need to lovingly speak truth to her. You need to show her by your patient, gentle, passionate love for her why getting closer to Jesus is such a good thing to do. You should pray for her. You should pray Scripture over her. You could even pray with her. You should serve her—and, by the way, that doesn’t stop when you walk in the door from work. You should be the first in and last out, are you with me? Work hard at work and be fully engaged at home. If you’re really tired at the end of the day, she probably is too, so suck it up and be present, be active, be intentional. Be fully invested in whatever your evening routine is, taking on more than might be considered your “fair share” if it will help her be able to have a few minutes genuinely to herself. If you need that time too, that’s fine. Get up a few minutes earlier in the morning and have it then while you pray for her and your kids. And make coffee for her then while you’re at it. And empty the dishwasher too. That’s not her job. And, if your doing those kinds of things allows her a few more minutes in her day to engage with Jesus through His word, all the better. Your love will be helping her grow to be more like Christ. That’s the goal. 

Now, let me ask you something, and I want you to think really hard about this. Did you see anything in any of these instructions about happiness? Yeah, I didn’t either. Hear me well here: That doesn’t mean happiness doesn’t matter in marriage. It does. It is indisputably a good thing to be happy in your marriage. But it does mean that happiness isn’t the most important thing. Okay, so then what is the most important thing? I hope that’s clear by now. The most important thing in marriage is helping each other become more like Jesus. If you’ve got kids, the second most important thing is helping them become more like Jesus. You’ve got to get the ordering right there because you married your spouse and not your kids. To put all of this another way and more like Paul did, the purpose of marriage is holiness. Guys, just like Jesus did for the church, you want to be able to see your wife stand before God one day in sinless perfection, in the beauty of holiness. If you make that your goal, everything else will fall into place. Just like her lifting you up toward Jesus will make you the kind of man she always wanted to be married to, your committing your whole self to making her holy in the image of Christ will make her the woman you always wanted to be married to as well. If you set your sights on something as small as happiness after the pattern of the culture around us, you’ll miss out on all of this. The goal of marriage isn’t happiness; it’s holiness. 

Marriage isn’t primarily about our happiness. It never was. This whole idea is, frankly, a lie of the enemy. By drawing us off the course of holiness with the distraction of happiness, he has largely succeeded in keeping us from pursuing holiness in our marriages which has in turn short-circuited our efforts toward happiness because two people who aren’t at all holy aren’t likely to be all that happy together for very long. But when we get on board with God’s plans for marriage in the first place by making holiness our goal, happiness will come along for the ride. More importantly, joy will. The goal of marriage isn’t happiness; it’s holiness. 

And think for a second about what a freeing thing this is. When you are committed to pursuing holiness instead of happiness, you don’t have to worry nearly as much about when one of you isn’t feeling happy in a given moment. While that can certainly be an indicator that something is off that needs to be addressed, you don’t have to make it your obsessive focus, nor do you have to get terribly concerned when you aren’t feeling it yourself. You are aiming higher than mere happiness. The goal of marriage isn’t happiness; it’s holiness.

When we pursue the character of Christ like this together, knowing our end goal is not first happiness, but holiness allows us to stick to the path even when it gets hard. If you find yourself often unhappy in a season, rather than leaning into the temptation to seek that happiness somewhere else, knowing the goal of your marriage is holiness first and foremost allows you to ask some important questions. Is my perceived happiness deficit the result of selfishness on my part? If it is because I don’t feel like a particular need is being met, why have I attached so much of my personal happiness to that instead of to Christ? Have I had a real conversation with my partner about this, or am I just complaining? What have I done lately to lift my spouse up in the direction of Jesus? In staying focused on happiness, am I losing sight of what matters most? Am I missing out on God’s care and direction because I have become so focused on me? 

We could go on, but I hope you get the point. If you are pursuing happiness first in your marriage, you are probably going to miss it, and you are for sure going to be missing out on what marriage is all about in the first place. The goal of marriage isn’t happiness; it’s holiness. Let us commit together to holiness first in our marriages, living together in pursuit of Christ, so that we can enjoy together all the blessings and benefits that come by no other means. The goal of marriage isn’t happiness; it’s holiness. May you know the sweet joy of the holiness of Christ in all of your relationships.